The relationship filter, sometimes called the sameness-difference filter or matching-mismatching filter, plays a key role in shaping personality and influences how we respond to change. It affects the way we compare and interpret information.
When someone uses the sameness or matching filter, they tend to focus on what things or situations have in common. Conversely, those who use the difference or mismatching filter pay attention to how things vary or differ from each other.
Impact on Personality
This filter can strongly influence how a person interacts with others. For example, you might know someone who seems to contradict you no matter what you say—insisting something is black when you say it’s white. This kind of opposing stance, sometimes called a polarity response, can be challenging if you’re unsure how to handle it.
Understanding the relationship filter is also useful for motivating change in yourself or others.
How to Identify the Relationship Filter
One way to explore this filter is by observing how a person perceives the relationship between objects or events. For instance, looking at three rectangles, do they notice how the shapes are similar or focus on how they differ?
Another method is to consider how frequently a person experiences change—like how often they move homes or change jobs. What one person sees as a major change may feel minor to another. For example, someone might stay in the same house for years but redecorate frequently.
People who strongly filter for either sameness or difference often overlook information outside their focus—either seeing only similarities or only differences.
Sameness (Matching) Filter
Those with a matching filter look for patterns and similarities. They might say, “All three shapes are rectangles in primary colors.” In conversations, they seek agreement and are typically skilled at building rapport. They tend to resist change and prefer it to happen slowly, often feeling comfortable with major shifts only every 15 to 20 years. Sudden changes can be stressful.
To ease change for these individuals, it helps to highlight what will stay the same. For example: “Although it’s a new school, you’ll still study the same subjects, have a friendly teacher, and walk there in the same amount of time.”
Using analogies works well for learners with this filter, connecting new ideas to familiar concepts. When trying to influence them, words like “similar,” “like,” and “same” resonate best.
Extreme Sameness Filter
At the extreme, matchers can become highly resistant to change or may fail to notice when circumstances have shifted dramatically. They may remain in unhealthy situations because “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.” Their desire for security and fear of uncertainty often underpins this mindset. Some cultures or families discourage healthy disagreement, reinforcing this pattern.
Difference (Mismatching) Filter
According to Shelle Rose Charvet, about 20% of people use a difference filter. These individuals value variety, novelty, and revolutionary change. They dislike stable or static environments and usually require significant change every 1 to 2 years, sometimes changing for the sake of change.
They focus on distinctions, pointing out details like “The red shape is in the top left, the yellow on the right, and the blue at the bottom. The yellow one is thinner and upright.” Words like “better,” “more,” or “faster” often signal a difference filter in use.
This filter fosters creativity and innovation, making it useful for entrepreneurs or those who challenge ideas and play the devil’s advocate. It can help introduce a reality check when optimism runs high, but may be less helpful when ideas are still forming.
Extreme Difference Filter
Extreme mismatchers tend to be nitpickers who focus mainly on problems or why something might fail, especially if the majority supports the idea. Constantly opposing others can make them vulnerable to manipulation and can be draining or counterproductive if done without cause.
Combined Filters: Sameness then Difference / Difference then Sameness
- Sameness then Difference: These people first notice what is alike, then spot differences. For example: “There are three shapes of the same size and primary colors; two are lying down and one is standing.” They prefer gradual, evolutionary changes every 5 to 7 years.
- Difference then Sameness: These individuals notice differences first, then similarities. For example: “The shapes are different colors; one is standing and two are lying down. They are all the same shape and size.” They enjoy variety and change roughly every 3 to 4 years but dislike radical shifts.
Adjusting the Relationship Filter
It’s important to be able to step back and compare things objectively. These meta-program preferences are shaped by past experiences and decisions, but they can be adjusted. Techniques such as Time Line work and NLP Anchoring can help reduce negative associations or strengthen positive ones.
Reframing your perspective through NLP can shift how you perceive change — it’s often the feeling that things are drastically changing or staying the same that matters more than the actual reality.
For those craving variety, even highly dynamic situations can feel stable if seen from a broader or more distant viewpoint.
Making small, regular changes rather than large disruptions helps too. For instance: “Every day stays mostly the same, but I change three small things.”
