Virginia Satir estimated that about 30% of people tend to adopt the blamer attitude. These individuals often say “no” regardless of what they truly feel or want, often taking a firm principled stance.

Blamers shift responsibility away from themselves and place it on others or external factors. They focus solely on their own perspective and the situation’s context, often dismissing or disregarding the views of others.

Their communication style is forceful and commanding. Blamers frequently disagree, point out faults, and emphasize their opinions strongly. They often use phrases like “if it weren’t for you” to assign blame and employ sweeping generalizations to divert attention and accuse others. Pointing fingers is a common physical gesture in this stance. The blamer’s posture can seem aggressive and is often used to make strong arguments or to induce guilt, though it can damage relationships and create communication barriers.

They feel a sense of power and control when others obey them. To embody this stance, one might point their finger while using modal verbs of necessity and universal statements such as:

• You should…
• You never…
• You always…
• Why do you always/never…?
• Why did you…?

No matter how the other person responds, blamers often twist replies to make the other person seem more wrong. For example, a parent might deny reality or insult regardless of the child’s explanation, labeling them either overly obedient or lazy depending on the situation.

Blamers’ confrontational stance often causes others to adopt the placater role as a defensive reaction to intimidation.

This attitude centers on control and dominance, frequently triggered by anger. Think of a tough military officer who demands absolute obedience and tolerates no fear or weakness. In negotiations, blamers tend to be ruthless, willing to win at any cost—even if it harms their long-term interests.

Example of a Blamer in Action

If a blamer were late to a meeting, they might enter abruptly, slam down their belongings, and say:

“I can’t believe the traffic—don’t they know roadworks should be done at night? Then some idiot took my parking spot, so I had to park three blocks away in a public lot. And you know what? They tried to charge me! I’ll have to put it on my expense account—unbelievable. And who in their right mind scheduled a 9 a.m. meeting anyway? Nobody seems to care about those of us who have to commute.”