NLP rapport refers to the skill of connecting with others in a way that fosters trust and mutual understanding. It involves genuinely seeing things from the other person’s perspective while also helping them appreciate yours. Importantly, rapport does not require agreement or liking the other person’s viewpoint—it simply makes communication smoother and more effective.
The success of many interactions hinges on our ability to create and maintain rapport. Interestingly, many decisions in business and everyday life are influenced more by rapport than by facts or technical details. People tend to buy from, agree with, or support those they feel connected to rather than strangers.
Rapport-building in NLP is subtle but highly impactful. Generally, rapport means a relationship characterized by harmony, alignment, or affinity, which supports cooperation and mutual respect.
Highlighting Similarities
When relating to others, we can focus either on our differences or what we share in common. Even with people very different from us, there are always shared human experiences or values. Focusing on these commonalities tends to reduce resistance and conflict, fostering cooperation. With practice, it becomes easier to notice and emphasize what connects us to others.
The Role of Pacing
Rapport is often developed through a process called pacing, which means moving in sync with the other person’s behavior. By matching their actions and rhythms, we meet them within their own perspective, reducing unconscious barriers.
You can pace various behaviors, but it needs to be subtle. If the other person notices you are copying them deliberately, it can feel like mimicry and break rapport. Genuine pacing happens naturally, below conscious awareness.
One way to check if you have rapport is to make a small movement, like scratching your nose, and observe if the other person mirrors you.
What Can Be Matched?
Matching is a natural human tendency in social interactions. For example, adults often adjust their posture and tone when talking to children, or couples often unconsciously mirror each other’s body language and expressions.
- Body Language: You can subtly mirror whole or partial body postures, especially head and shoulder positions. However, avoid matching unusual or rigid postures, as it may come across as mocking.
- Breathing: Matching the speed, depth, or location of someone’s breathing can build connection—though this should be avoided if the person has breathing difficulties.
- Voice: Mirroring aspects of speech such as volume, tempo, pitch, and tone enhances rapport. It’s best to focus on just one or two of these aspects to keep it natural.
- Beliefs and Values: Showing a sincere effort to understand someone’s beliefs and values without judgment can deepen rapport. You don’t need to adopt their views, only appreciate them.
- Language Patterns: Using the same words or phrases the other person prefers strengthens their feeling of being understood. This is different from paraphrasing—matching exact “power words” connects better because language is tied to personal experience.
For instance, if someone talks about wanting to “be confident,” responding with “capable” might miss their emotional tone. Matching their chosen words better maintains rapport.
Also, tuning into their preferred sensory language (visual, auditory, kinesthetic) is powerful. For example, if someone says “I just can’t see the big picture,” responding with “You need to listen more carefully” mismatches their representational system and can disrupt connection.
